I went to lunch one Sunday after services with about fifteen young adults. Several were first-time visitors; most were not raised UU. Just a group of young adults interested in liberal religion. Since there were so many strangers, the leader tried to keep the check-in simple: say your name, and maybe something about your name. People all said how they had gotten their name, how their parents or sometimes they themselves had chosen it. After we had gone around the table, I made a mental count and realized that fully half the group had made reference to feminism in their naming story. "My first name is actually my grandmother's maiden name; my parents didn't want it to be forgotten." "My name sounds like a boy's name, but actually it's a woman from the Bible. People say she's portrayed as bad, because, well, she killed a lot of men. But I think she's a really strong woman." "My name is Mark, but it was really supposed to be Martha. My parents really wanted a girl." "My mother named me after a woman she admired. My father didn't get much say in the matter." "I read this [feminist] science fiction novel, and it changed my life. I named myself after one of the characters in it." No one else commented on this or seemed to find it remarkable. It was a profound symbol to me of the impact of feminist culture on our lives.
We grew up with feminism. Our teachers encouraged the girls to take leadership, and encouraged the boys to be sensitive. That was how our world was. Like all children, we learned to be good, as we were taught.
Mostly, I think this is a good thing. I believe in feminism. But there are some side effects on feminism's children that need to be sorted out. When I look at the UU young adult community today, I often-- not always, but often-- see a gender dynamic at play that is almost a perfect reversal of what the previous generation grew up with, and that causes some of the same kinds of pain.
The young women are people who were told to grow up and rule the world. They are full of motion, ambition, and energy. They never question their right to make demands on the boys. Often, they are busy sowing wild oats, having sexual adventures, believing that both sex and respect are the divine mandate of the Goddess.
The young men, on the other hand, are people who were told to control themselves, to be careful not to hurt anyone, to remember that sex and power are not entitlements. They were taught to be nice. Supportive, cooperative, helpful. So, for example, if a young UU man likes a young UU woman, what he does is he goes over to her and tries really hard to be harmless. He doesn't want to oppress anyone by expressing interest or desire, so he just hangs around and acts cooperative. The more he wants her to like him, the more submissive he acts. Not surprisingly, the young UU women find this boring, frustrating, incomprehensible, and just not sexy. He doesn't understand why this doesn't work, or why all the young UU women are off dating "bad" men instead of "nice" men like himself.
Most UU young adults would really prefer to be with someone from inside the community, but the relationship advice we are working with often just doesn't fit the situation we have inherited.